so often i label what i want as what God wants.  just by putting God's name on it, i justify (to myself of course) doing whatever i desire. and soon, i trick myself into believing it IS in fact what God wants. i have no discerning into what i have actually given over to Him and what i am holding so dearly onto.

and when i think about what these things are, i am reminded by 1 Corinthians 7:23

 "you were bought with a price, do not become slaves of man"

and i come to this conclusion: it really does not matter what i want. 

that seems like such a simple simple concept and its taken me this long to fully understand it, but the things i want, the deepest desires of my heart, do not matter in the big picture of the Kingdom. this is both humbling and somewhat disappointing, as well as comforting to know that there is someone in control of this crazy messed up world in which we live.

this reminds me of blue like jazz when donald miller talks about being self-absorbed. because i'm a human, i spend more time on myself--thinking about myself, looking at myself, entertaining myself, analyzing myself, making myself look nice--than i do on anything or anyone else. mr miller goes on to say "All i'm saying is that if we, as a species, could fix our self-absorption, we could end a lot of pain in the world."

so if i could channel this force, this current of self-centeredness--if i could stop thinking about what i want and start thinking about what God wants--if i could think of people's NEEDS rather than what i feel like at the moment--if i could channel all that into helping someone else, the world would be better off.

and i am humbled by that.